Dear Nina,

Last winter, I was introduced to someone by a mutual friend who was divorced after an 18 year marriage. I was newly divorced after a 25 year marriage. We bonded immediately; we had so much in common. We became intimate after a month of dating. We dated for 5 months when he politely said, things happened too fast and that he felt no chemistry when we were together, which left me hurt because I felt like we were best friends with possibilities of more.

My question is we have resumed seeing each other and talking on the phone. We have been dating over the last three months, (about 3 or 4 times a month). We have fun together, he gets me, and I feel like I have known him all my life. We have not become intimate (past a hug and quick kiss goodnight). I am afraid to make the first move. I don't want to scare him away.  What are the signs of what kind of relationship he is ready for? Or is he just being cautious like me? If I come straight out and ask him I am afraid of ruining all possibilities of any relationship with him .~Ronda

Dear Ronda,

You are in the throes of the Temptation to Deny Your True Desires, and that's just for starters. You want a great relationship that leads to marriage with a soul mate. I hear that in between the lines of your question. The problem is that you are dating someone who has already told you that he's not attracted to you in that way. But I'm concerned about you on several fronts.

When he backed away and re-set the bar for friendship (as evidenced by only seeing you 3 to 4 times per month, and the absence of passionate kissing), you fell right into the Temptation to Settle For Less than a truly wonderful romance. You are settling for crumbs rather than holding out for a banquet, and that tells me that your self-esteem has taken some serious hits along the way.

This relationship is way out of balance. You see him as a future husband while his behavior says that he's lonely and you are good enough for now, but not someone he's in love with. I predict a major broken heart on your part if you don't summon the courage to do what I call the step back and push back. If you want a shot at something good with this guy, you must be willing to do the opposite of what your fears say. Instead of worrying about scaring him off, I want you to become fierce about uncovering his true intentions. How?

First step: resolve that it is really okay if he takes off again. Really! Because no man is worth letting your self-esteem drop as it surely will if you continue to be with someone who have to be careful around, walking on eggshells so that you don't reveal your feelings and frighten him away. You have to break some eggs if you want to make an omelet. So step back and make up your mind that if this is meant to be, he will take the right action, and if not, you will move on.

Second step: get committed to open, honest communication. No more walking on eggshells, afraid to express yourself. That is emotional death for a woman! Get indignant, work up a little steam. Then, holding that energy inside rather than erupting at him, sit down and have the "you and me" talk that is so vital to any healthy relationship. Push back gently by challenging his re-approach to you after five months of intimacy and a break. Ask why he's seeing you, what he sees for your future, what his real feelings are for you. Let him know that the truth is what is important and to PLEASE don't spare your feelings. Then, listen to what he has to say – not only to what he says, but to what he doesn't say. Listen to your own gut – it will tell you if this man has the kind of heart for you that you want and deserve.

Third step: don't make any moves that he hasn't made, and don't move forward without a declaration on his part that you are dating exclusively with an eye toward marriage. This is vital. If you take the lead at this point, or if you accept his wishy-washy, non-romantic lead, you'll find yourself dumped down the road when he meets someone who really rolls down his socks. Stop settling, Ronda, and your self-esteem will flourish. You'll be much more attractive and the right kind of man will be drawn to you in no time. Or, this guy will step up to the plate with renewed zest for you. Either way, you win!

Remember to get your copy of Temptations of the Single Girl right away so you don't fall into these traps again. Find out more or buy it today from Wheatmark.

About the Singlescoach®: Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, is a licensed therapist with twenty years in private practice. Nina launched the world's first educational resource on the internet for singles, Singlescoach®, in 1996, simultaneous with the publication of her first book, Be Your Own Dating Service. Since then, she's established herself as one of the foremost authorities on the intricacies of dating and love relationships. She's been featured in innumerable national magazines and newspapers, on radio hundreds of times, and on national and regional television. Nina's newest book, Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid (Wheatmark, 2008), was just released to rave reviews. Nina lives in Dallas, Texas, with her Soul Partner and husband, Mark.

Want to raise your dating game? Need to solve a relationship dilemma? Ask the Singlescoach®! Post your confidential question. Only selected questions will be answered. If yours is chosen, you'll receive an email from Singlescoach® letting you know when it will be posted. To protect your identity, only your first name will be used if your question is posted, or you may provide Nina with a pseudonym.

"Ask The Singlescoach®" Copyright © 2007 by Nina Atwood, all rights reserved. This article was excerpted with permission from Nina Atwood. Permission to reprint is granted by the author provided all links are included. All reprints must state, "Copyright © 2007 by Nina Atwood, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission by Nina Atwood."

DISCLAIMER: The information and opinions reflected in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect on the publisher, editor, or editorial staff of Women's Online Magazine. This article has been written and reviewed by the author. Any errors should be brought to the attention of the author.

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